Untainted beauty...

Phillip started reading this new devotional called "Crazy Love." He has encouraged me to read it also. So far, and I am not very far, but I know that I will really learn something from it. In the first chapter there is a video online that Francis Chan directs you to watch called "the awe factor," I am going to post a link to it... watch it.



It is amazing to me, the expanse of God. Two of the most spiritual moments I have ever had in my life, happened amongst the creations of God. The first was in the jungles of Jamaica and the second was standing over a surgeon as he did a triple by pass on a female patient. The first one, I have written about here...

Standing amidst the cool, crisp waterfall and breathing in the aromas of the jungle, I knew then what heaven must be like. The imagery is still fresh and palpable in my mind’s eye, this new world exploding with nearly every color of the rainbow; I was in another universe. God had this moment of my life in mind when he wove the delicate fabric of this jungle. The air was thick with humidity. The aroma of the water permeated my nostrils and I could taste its sparkling cascades. The jungle was decorated by a brilliant artist with a vast imagination, the creator of all things.

The day was filled with the sounds of exotic life all around me and the turbulence of the water beneath my feet. The people with me were laughing, some nervous about the slippery rocks and some exhilarated by the thought of traversing the waterfall. We clung to each other, our clasped hands making a chain of humanity to help one another climb through the rushing water which threatened to drag us away. My husband climbed in front of me, and as we ascended the waterfall I grasped his hand with all of my strength. The person behind me was a total stranger who was forced to trust my grip and cling to my hand for support. I was merely one of many intricate links in this chain of life attempting to climb one of God’s most stunning creations. I owned my unity with my God. It was as if I had always been a part of the imagination and wonder of my Creator and His universe.

Dunn’s River Falls stretches 600 feet and is sprinkled with lagoons amongst the flowing rapids. Flanking either side of this majestic body of water is a thriving jungle with flourishing vegetation that provides shade for the people who are climbing the falls. Touring the falls is a must-see highlight when visiting Jamaica. The tour guides encourage you to hold the hand of the person in front of you and behind you. This creates a human chain of support that causes people to pull one another through the rushing water and over the algae-covered rocks. At times the movement of the people stops and you can play and swim in the clean pools of crystal clear water.

Water is representative of rebirth in many religions. I was reminded of my own rebirth while wading in the flowing cascades that God had created. God says in Romans 6:4 that “We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.” I had such little understanding of what the death of my will and rebirth of my spirit would mean for my life. I stood and confessed that “I believe Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God” and could hardly comprehend the change I was about to undertake. What I did know is that I was dead and that I longed for life. The dark void that had become a hole in my chest longed to be washed clean. I ached for the peace that comes with submersion. There is a quiet beneath the water and a calm that fills the soul. The water was warm around me and I was filled with awesome wonder at a God who loved me enough to forgive me. As I was immersed in the water to lie down in that watery grave, I reemerged a new creature in Christ, whole, washed white as the snow, and able to stand unblemished before my creator.

“We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does anyone life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." – quote from Shall We Dance.

P and I purchased tickets to one of our favorite bands about two months ago – Arcade Fire. Well the concert was last night. P took me out to dinner then we went to the show. I was so excited, not because going to see bands play is a really big deal to me, more because P was so thrilled about going. The line was horribly long, but we got in (the show was at the Rhyman). On the way through the doors P noticed a sign that said there were a lot of strobe lights being used. Considering P has a tendency for seizure when in the presence of strobes, he went and found the floor manager to find out exactly how much strobe was being used. I got in line, or should I say cut in line, to get us a band tee-shirt and some buttons (P has a thing for band shirts) and he went to find out about the lights. Well, come to find out the entire show consisted of strobes and sometimes they would be very strong. We paid $105 for those tickets! P was so excited about going! It was such a disappointment that we were not going to be able to watch the band perform. We got our money back and left.

At dinner I had a 1 ½ glasses of wine. When we got to the Rhyman, P bought me a gigantic beer ($9 – got a hotel they have to build back – bastards) and we were not going to be able to drink it! I chugged that baby, so by the time we left I was feeling pretty good. We walked toward the parking garage on Commerce and I noticed the elevators going up and down in the Renaissance hotel. I looked at P and suggested that we go ride the elevators! For the next hour or so we rode the elevators up to the 23rd floor and back several times. We toured all of the floors of that hotel and pretended to be tourists. P even bought me a shot glass.

He was so disappointed about the show, but we found a way to enjoy each other anyway. After five years I can still find new and fun things to do with him and we can have a great time. We turned a bummer time into something fun and risk-k. I tried to get him to do something naughty in one of the cubby’s in the hallway – that was until he pointed out the cameras… getting arrested in NOT on my to-do list. He came out of his mood, and even though it was not what we had planned on doing, it was fun. It was because we were together.

I pray it will always be this way. I wonder what happens in a relationship that causes people to go from enjoying and having fun with one another to just existing together? I hope it never happens to us. What can we do to prevent this from happening? How do you keep the “fun” alive after 20 years?

I love you, Phillip Rose.

The sweetest thing...

Today is Isaac's 4th birthday. Oh, how the Lord has blessed me with his life. He has made breathing so much easier for me. I remember the first time I felt him move inside of my body. I was sitting with my mom at my apt - "The garden" is what P and I called it - in the lazy boy. We were talking about who knows what when I felt a little nudge. It was a flutter the smallest tickle inside. It kind of felt like that dizzy feeling you get in your tummy the first couple of times you are around a new love, "butterflies." It wasn't until that moment that I actually realized he was apart of me. I had the knowledge that I had this little "parasite" living off of my body and off of everything I was and had become, but I had no real understanding of the love I innately had for him. It was overwhelming. I looked up at my mom and said "I think he just moved!"

Everyday I wake up and make a conscious decision that I will choose to love P more today than I did yesterday. It is a choice. I never made that choice with Isaac. At that moment, I was overwhelmed with a love that I had no idea even existed, one in which I knew was unconditional. No matter what he chooses to do with his life, I will love him.

To know that this is the way the Lord loves us and him gives me feelings that I had no idea I even knew how to feel. No words. Love is the sweetest thing life has to offer. The greatest of these is love.